i spent an extended time today talking with a friend about expectations.  about how, sometimes, i wish i didn’t feel ruled by others expectations.  as a youngster in my fam, expectations were rife.  and much of that has stuck with me today.  but oddly, i’ve been struggling a great deal lately with expectations of my own creation.

a great race can do one of two things: inspire you to train harder…or raise your expectations too much so that you are set up to fail.  normally, the former happens.  unfortunately, i think right now i’m facing the latter.  my body hasn’t recovered like i wanted it to after chicago (having developed achilles pain).  and my motivation has gone away a lot.

you know when you don’t have high expectations for yourself and you exceed those expectations?  and it’s amazing.  that’s what happened at chicago.  in all honesty, i was afraid i wouldn’t be able to beat 4:00 in the marathon…so my 3:36 was an amazingly wonderful surprise.  and then my expectations went from “finishing” marathons to getting my marathon under 3:30…then under 3:20.

so now, knowing what i “can” do, all of my runs are miserable.  i go out there expecting to run super fast and when i don’t, i get angry and i mentally check out of the run and create reasons for me to cut the run short.  it’s all mental i know.  but, for instance, tonight, i went out for a 7 mile fartlek and when i know i was running the workout slower than i had before the marathon (same workout, same course, etc)…i checked out and cut it to 4mi.  and, i did the 4 miler in 33:11 (8: 17min/mi).  it felt fine; it wasn’t “fast,” but it was fine.  and my legs aren’t tired (though the achilles hurts some)…but i am not enjoying this mental struggle.

i think that perhaps i should just enjoy running for a bit. no expectations.  run without a watch. run with the puppy.  enjoy running for running’s sake (not for how fast i can run).

ok, enough complaining about my mental foibles.

tonight, i was so hungry (“grooooooowl” said my stomach) when i got home from the doggy park but i still stopped and slowed down and cooked a real meal instead of microwaving something or eating cereal (this is something fo sho to be proud of with me).

first, i sauteed some red onion and parsnips in just a scoatch of olive oil

i was hesitant about cooking the parsnips because i had never cooked parsnips before.  but i bought some on a whim last week, and i want to try new things so in they went.  i added some water chestnuts (i wanted the crunch) and some pesto and sizzled it all together.

i had been cooking spaghetti squash while all this was going on and gutted the squash for some spaghetti-y goodness

then, warmed up some salmon that had been in the freezer (already cooked) and topped the spaghetti squash with the pesto mix.  it was DELISH.

i’m actually doing well this week with my “detox” and eating good real food.  it makes me feel so much better and cleaner and healthier.  and vibrant.

and, surprisingly to me, i’m really enjoying cooking new stuff.  now to find someone to eat with me (because, seriously, i have enough leftovers from tonight to feed me for many more dinners…)

um.  the philly marathon is in 25 days.  and i’ve run appx 13.3 miles since the chicago marathon two weeks ago.  this is mainly due to the fact that my achilles has been killing since the mary (not during the mary, not right after, but like a week later…).  i’m a little afraid to push it and get out with a real injury and compromise my boston training this winter.

lots of peeps think its kinda crazy that i’m even contemplating running philly 6 weeks after chicago (with a half marathon sandwiched in there too).  but i’m addicted.  i want to get faster and faster.  and that feeling…that wonderful feeling about 4 hours after the marathon.  before the tightness and soreness set in…oh.  its wonderful.

well, originally the plan was to try to shave a couple minutes off my time at Philly to be seeded in Wave One at Boston (last year the cut off was 3:34).  but, I got on the treadmill today to do a gut busting (for me) workout…7 mi with 5mi@7:43.  it didn’t happen.   i had waited until 6:30pm on the UPS man to deliver my new Newtons.  and oh are they beautiful:

Right?  Gorge.  Totally gorge.

Well, got to the gym, and I HATE the treadmill room at Health Central.  It is always so frickin hot.  And since it was raining it was full of people and even hotter!  Ugh.  I hate to admit it, but I think I had mentally conceded the run before I even laced up the shoes.  But, I got on, did my warm up mile at 8:30…then jazzed up the treddy to 7:40pace…did 3 mi…and omg, I was sweating like a crazy person.  I am like the most talented sweater. (ha.  sweater. ha.)  For serious.  I was totally flicking sweat everywhere on everyone.  I’m sure they loved me.

But I was in shoes that had sir isaac newton telling me to run faster.  Surely I could.  Except that I crapped out.  I ended there.  The achilles was fine (phew).  But, I just didn’t have it in me today (excuses excuses)…and I think, honestly, I’m just gonna put in 35 mi a week for the next few weeks without pushing myself like crazy.  And then run Philly and have fun.  Because, I’ve already BQ’d and now I can enjoy the marathon experience (can you ever enjoy a marathon experience?).  But, Jan 1 starts the quest for 3:23 mary at Beantown.  And then I turn full steam to Ironman training in April.  So–the next two months get to be relaxing and fun (if you can call a half-marathon and a marathon “relaxing” and “fun”).

Today was a pretty awesome day overall (except that I did get scolded in court today for talking while the judge was talking…which was what I ALWAYS got in trouble for as a kid in school…seriously…every elementary school report card: “penny lacks the seriousness and focus in school.  spends too much time talking with friends”) But, tangent over.  The best part of today?  I finally broke into the most wonderful snack in the world…absconded from someone else’s out-of-town bag from megs wedding:

they taste like home. delish.  seriously, i’ve been carrying this little bag of chips around with me for 3 days.  just waiting for the right time to open up their old bay-y goodness.

meg and justin put snacks from their hometowns in the out-of town-bags for the wedding.  meg’s choice to represent baltimore are two of my most fav balto things: utz crab chips and berger cookies. i promptly ate my crab chips.  it’s like being teleported back to light street or rodgers forge elementary…well, i did some swapperoos (bergers for crabby chips) and managed to get another bag.  that bag has been in my tote bag since saturday.  staring at me, saying “eat me.  eat me.”

well.  i gave in.  i have another month before i go home for thanksgiving, so i wanted to wait another week or so before i gave in to my other bag. but oh my.  today was a long day in court and i just saw them peaking out at me.  and i can’t say no.

and oh.  they are just as amazing as i remembered.

oh baltimore and your crab chippy goodness.  i do miss you.  drool.

the top search on wordpress that hits my blog is “marathons w/ porta potties.”

HA.  love it.  pretty much sums me up. running + poo = pen.

and yes, i just added a “poo” tag.

Wow.  I make a mission, and I don’t follow through.  :-/  Week one of She Rox the Detox was a complete failure.  I made it to a total number of ZERO classes.  This week I’m going to do something that is easier for me.  Small foodage changes.  Because, I NEED to clean up my diet. (Lunch was three pieces of delish, but extremely greasy pizza).  But that’s not even the problem.  I hate that I’m eating meat and fish and stuff again.  I’m going back veggie.

I was a veggie from the time I was 16 until 24.5 years old.  Then, I don’t know what happened.  I’ve always wanted to go vegan, but, the effort it takes to eat well and vegan has never been appealing.  Maybe the going veggie again will be the first step to vegan.  And, now that I’ve discovered the wonderful world of health food bloggers (many of whom are veggie or vegan) maybe being vegan will be easier.

So, the She Rox the Detox (SRTD) challenge of Week 2: eat veggie with a balanced and healthy approach.

I’m sleepy now, but, tomorrow, I discuss my reasons for going veggie again.

So, I have leave of court tomorrow (and a vacay day!)…I’m heading up to Davidson, NC for Meg’s wedding!!!  I cannot believe that just yesterday we were trodding down the hallways of our middle school all awkward and nerdy.  I’m still keeping the fingers crossed that I fit in my bridesmaid dress (major major finger crossage)…but, i felt the same way heading up to Leanne’s wedding and the dress ended up being a bit too big.  Soooo hopefully we’re good.

Anyway, end of the crazy week…and I’m so glad.  But, here’s the awesomest thing about the week:  So, I like to think of myself as a very outspoken passionate person; however, when I started being in court all the time, I had kind of lost the spark.  This was mostly because I was not confident enough in my abilities as an attorney (and, I mean, if I was that confident after being an attorney for 6mos, bad things would probably happen).  But, today, the switch was flipped and I found the feisty.  I can’t really say much about it…but the feisty is back and here to stay.  I’m no longer scared…what’s the worst that can happen?  I get thrown in jail on contempt charges (ok….that’s kind of bad).  But, I’m just so happy to feel the zest in courthouse.

Ok…off for a 6 mile speed workout.  i’m nursing this achilles pain that came out of nowhere, but i’m hoping a switch from the newtons back to the asics will help.

Beautiful Tuesday!  I LOVE the fall…except I refuse to turn on the heat, so my house is sitting at about 58 degrees, and I swear I now have toesicles where my lovely toes once were.  And all this makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning, though; since my bed is all toasty with my two four legged furnaces heating the bed up.  Especially when said furry furnaces refuse to sleep anywhere except right up against me (yes, mommy, I know I know, I’m never going to get a husband when I allow my aminals to snuggle in my bed…how can you not let them when they look like this:)

But anyway.  Crazy day at work.  And by “crazy” I mean, I got almost an entire day in the office!!!! OMG.  It was amazing, I caught up on all my jail visits and all my client letters…and even closed 10 files (of the about 75 stacked on my floor waiting to be closed…).  It was so amazingly productive that I didn’t want to break away from the work to eat lunch with other peeps.  It’s sad since I regularly use my lunch break to do work, taking advantage of the only guaranteed hours in the office…But, anyway.  Lunchies at the desk (greek yogurt w/ dried cherries, walnuts, and honey, a banana, mix1 antiox drink, celery, and rice pudding):

Then, ran over to the jail for some client visits.  I watched as some inmate (not a client) faked a heart attack on the 4th floor.  The jail is always good for some entertainment in my day.  It looks like the 8 “definite” trials that I had for this week aren’t going to go.  Which, I’m so totally ok with…kinda.  I mean, jury week is great when you don’t have a trial because you can catch up on all the stuff that’s impossible to do when you are in court 4-5 days a week normally.  Anyway, got back from the jail, sanitized the heck out of my hands and had a little afternoon snack (stonyfield pumpkin pie yogurt with a crushed TLC pumpkin flax granola bar…i love me some pumpkin:)

Please note that the chaos on my desk that was present in the lunch photos is now gone.  After finishing up some more stuff in the office, I came home to the lovely boy and took him out to romp in the dog park.  I had brought a snack of goldfish (the one bad thing for me that i am unwilling to give up)’ but, when i opened my bag for some snackage, all the pups in the park swarmed me.  I should have known since the boy also LOVES goldfish (like momma, like son)…so gave the boy a couple snacks and I put away the snack.  So, when I left the dog park at 6 with a sleepy boy, I was STARVING.  Instead of doing what I normally do (drive thru somewhere…) I actually went home and made a REAL MEAL AGAIN:

It was some whole wheat pasta with a sauce of heirloom tomatos, kalamata olives, capers, fresh garlic, and a sprinkling of feta cheese.  Added to that on the plate are some leftover roasted eggplant slices and the other half of the avocado from last night.  Yummers.

Ok, now…tonight I get back into running for my first run since the Chicago Marathon.  I’d love to drop some time at the Philly Marathon (hoping for maybe a 3:32)…so, lots of long speed work for the next 4.5 weeks.

It’s weeks like this (jury trial week) that I wish I was gutsy enough to write about work stuff in a blog.  But, as an attorney, you have to be careful about confidentiality.  If you are stupid it can be dangerous.  And then, there is always the fear that your boss or coworkers will find out about the blog and something you said that you thought was innocuous will end up getting you in trouble (to which I say: been there done that with the tweets. and i learned the lesson).  But there are PDs who tweet and blog about their jobs.  And it always makes me laugh.  Because, if you were a normal person and read the stories, you would totally be like no way.  No one does that!  No one says that!  But oh my god.  They do.  They really do.  I had a client who came in asking for “Pinnochio Dumbar”  which is neither my first name nor my last name.  Pinnochio/Penelope…same thing.  Or, at least, so close.

At least to balance out the taxing emotional toll my job takes, I get to laugh a great deal.  Because crazy stuff happens often.  Like, did you know that there are no “take backsies” three months after you plead guilty and were sentenced? I’m shocked.  Or how about the fact that I get asked often whether they need to fire me and hire a “real” attorney.  Because PDs are not real.  In fact I had a very long conversation with a client who told me I should go to school to be a lawyer.  It went something like this:

Him: You would be a great lawyer.  You should go to school to be a lawyer.

Me: I did.

Him: No, you should go to school so you can be a real lawyer.

Me: I am.

Him: No, I mean, you would be a great lawyer.  I bet people would pay you a lot.

Me: I am a lawyer.

Him: No, you should be a real lawyer….

(and round and round that went…) ok. worky talk over.

In other news, a big happy birfday to arismella.  xoxo. Also, a She Rox the Detox update: no yoga today.  bad girl. *smacks hand*  And, finally, I am trying to slow down and eat better.  I actually stopped and made myself a REAL dinner tonight.  I ate at 5:20 cause I was starving, but still.  I made myself a salad nicoise:

It was delish. There was:

• green beans
• tuna
• new potatoes
• red peppers
• romaine lettuce
• avocado (a half of one…i can’t get enough…)
• heirloom tomatoes
• a couple anchovies
• a sprinkling of poppyseed dressing

Oh Atlanta airport wireless, I paid $7 for 24hs of you but you kick me off after an hour for ’suspicious behaviour’ and exceeding normal amount of connections. You anger me greatly. Facebook stalking may be sketchy but is certainly not suspicious.

So I’m on my way to te windy city for endurance event #2 of the fall: the Chicago Mary. Which is, in fact, my first marathon ever.

I’m sitting here, getting ready to go to a yoga class…and getting stressed out about it.  Which is preceisely the reason I need to go to yoga.  I’m like a walking ball of stress and anxiety.  Imagine Pig Pen from Charlie Brown and the mess that follows me around is not dirt but a cloud of nerves and worry.  I used to do yoga daily.  In law school, I got relatively zen-ish.  I’m even a certified yoga teacher.  But, then, big law happened, I lost my free time, and then I had a stress fracture that took me out of anything weight bearing for 6 mos.

Fast forward to now, it’s been almost 10 mos. since my stress fracture took me out and I can count on one hand the number of yoga classes I’ve been to.  And I can tell.  It’s not the flexibility or the strength that’s missing.  It’s the inner calm.  Not to say I was calm all the time when i was a 7-day-a-wk yogi.  But I was way better than this.  I’m almost back to my stress-levels from highschool and college days when I was wound as tightly as humanly possible.

We need to work on this.

So, I did well for a while…researching and preparing and cooking…and then, well. I didn’t. The weeds have all grown back (ugh), and I considered just hiring someone to do all the work…but, well, can’t afford that. So, I think I’m going to go rent a tiller from Home Depot tomorrow and tear up my yard.