Eagleman is in 10 days. And I’m heading way down to taper crazy town.

Let’s start with the fact that yesterday I sat at my desk all day too excited to sit still.  What was I looking forward to?  A measly 80minute brick.  But omg.  I couldn’t wait.  I needed the endorphines and the exhaustion.  I was too excited and jumpy to be productive.  I was doing tricip dips in my desk chair.  6 or 7 or 8 hours of training a week is just. not. enough.

And then I have this text convo with my coach after I see his projected finish times for Eagleman.

Me: A 1:40 marathon?  Yea.  I want to do that.  But I just don’t think that is an option…Given my bad history with this race, I’ll be happy to finish in under 5:10″

Coach: So be happy with 5:10, but don’t be surprised if you go faster.  I want you to go in with the attitude of just killing it.  Like nothing can stand in your way.

Me: I do think running sub 1:40 is an awesome goal for Augusta, though.

Coach: We’ll see how it goes. :)

Any normal person would read that last comment as “I think you can do it at Eagleman, stop trying to sell yourself short”

But me? I was like “wtf does that mean?  Does that mean he thinks its ridiculous that I would even think I could ever run a 1:40 off the bike?  Oh god I suck.  I suck.  And I’m going to bomb.  And I suck and I’m stupid for thinking that I don’t suck. I’m always going to suck and I’m never going to be good and I suck.  I suck.”

I managed, after 10 minutes of meltdown, to talk myself back of the ledge, considering my coach was the one who first planted the thought that I might be able to run 1:40 at Eagleman.  So of course, his “we’ll see” is meant as “you might surprise yourself at Eagleman.”  But…that was not after I chased the “you suck” ball down the rabbit hole for a good 10 minutes.

And you know that taper feeling when you are just feeling sluggish and like a giant and like you’ve gained 50 lbs?  Yep.  That’s where I’m at.  And my race isn’t even for a week and a half.

The worst part of racing is, without a doubt, the taper.