I’m not sure where all the motivation in my life has gone.
Like, it’s hard for me to get through even a 30-minute workout. Not because I’m tired. But just cause I don’t feel like it.
Working two jobs is exhausting. And I don’t have time to cook good food. And I don’t do yoga anymore. And most days, the poor neglected puppy doesn’t get a walk. Most days, I come home from work and sleepwalk until I have to get up and head out to the jail again. And I hate this. And I hate what my life has become. It’s been months since there has been any kind of joy in my life. It’s been months since I’ve lived my life. Things need to change.
The sad thing is I’m at a loss for how to change it. I’m standing here, with a, for all intents and purposes, wonderful life and yet I’m just so unhappy. It’s moderately amusing that I’ve ended up here because I was miserable in my last job. And the layoff and move to Augusta saved me. It saved me and for the first two years of my lfie here I was happy. I was carefree and happy.
And yet, since the two year mark, when I got a promotion, my happiness has been on a steady decline. I’m not sure that it can go any lower at this point. We’re not talking “pull the covers over my head and not coming out of bed” depressed (and believe me, I know what that’s like. Been there, done that. A lot.). But, I have no zest for life. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing inspires me. Nothing allows me to relax or smile just a little bit. Except alcohol.
And that’s not good. So, I’ve stopped drinking much.
The moral of this story? How do I figure this shit out? I HAVE NO IDEA.
All I know is I WANT to live again. But right now there is just a lot of apathy because apathy, while miserable, is easy.
In September, and starting tomorrow, I have to start figuring this shit out. I don’t know how I will do it. But, I have some ideas. Like blogging again…because then I will stay more on track. It’s like food blogging for weight loss…but with happiness.
I want to start blogging again. I WANT to WANT to blog like I did when I started two years ago. I WANT to WANT to run like I did when I was in good shape. I WANT to WANT to walk the bubs like when I first got the boy. I WANT to WANT to cook like when I first started experimenting in the kitchen. I want to feel like me again.
I want and need to wake up in the morning and WANT to get out of bed. To not dread the upcoming day. Part of that will be changing things in my life. Part of that will be savoring things in my life.
I need my zen, my zest, my joviality back. I NEED MY PEACE.
And if I work at it, I think I can do it before the year is out.
Trackbacks
A public defender super heroine by day, I am a cupcake baker extraordinaire by night. And come weekend, I am an IronPerson. I deal with an NPR addiction daily and I dream of one day having Carl Kasell on my answering machine. I strive to be the best fur-mommy I can be, and when I have time, I'm learning to be a grownup.
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9 Responses for "Who moved my mother-f-ing cheese?"
I miss your blog. I hope you get your mojo back soon. Perhaps a trip to Atlanta is in order?
I want you to want to blog too. For purely selfish reasons, but also because I have been there, done that too. We’re here for you.
I understand where you’re coming from, perhaps a little too well. :-/ It’s hard to say much of anything when everything just….blows. Though the nice thing about the interwebs is that you’ve got plenty of people to talk with if you ever need to.
Hey Pen,
This post really hits home with me and I just wanted to let you know that I hope you get your groove back. Been a reader for a while and there are so many amazing things you’ve shared, I have no doubt that things will work out for you!
- Mahealani
Sorry things aren’t going the way you would like. But just like AR, I’ll say there are so many of us who are still trying to figure things out and get out of current situations, too. It’s rough. But we’re here to make it a little easier.
Penny! I know we haven’t talked in quite sometime, but I’m happy (sort of) I stumbled upon this post while stalking you on the interwebs. I was going through a similar tough time late last year through early Spring this year. It’s tough, but I think maybe to start getting back into your groove, sometimes you’ve got to fake it til you make it. Start adding those healthy things back into your life that once made you happy and even if you’re not feeling it right away, keep it up and stay positive and eventually you’ll reset back to normal. And therapy helps, at least for me
As for training motivation, Sarah Brittain and I are doing a Tough Mudder in NJ in November and you are welcome to join us. I know it’s not as hardcore as you’re used too probably, but it will be fun! Mini crew reunion 
Hope all improves. Miss you!
Hope things start picking up for you. It’s the small things that will make way for the larger happiness to permeate your life again. Don’t go looking for huge changes when small things will do for now!
I also just saw your tweet about a bonus for finding a job for you in CO. Not sure of any for sure but I can guarantee life is perfect out here, or as close to it as possible!
Oh I can just hear the burnout in your voice! It’s time to do something. Life is too short to be as unhappy as you sound! Hang in there!
[...] declining athletic performance in the end of 2010, and rapidly plummeted with increased job stress (see e.g. and e.g.). And I’m realizing that I need to figure out a way to get out out of this burned [...]
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