So, over the last few months, I’ve learned a lot of lessons about Ironman training.  It’s like that first marathon.  You aren’t quite sure what to expect with training.  Or what to expect with racing.  Or how to fuel your body.  Or how to fit it in with a social life.  And there are things that people tell  you to expect (i.e. being tired all that time, having no time for social activities…etc.).  And then.  Then there are things that people will not tell you because then no one would ever sign up for an Ironman.
But folks, today I share you the five secrets that no one tells you about training for an ironman.
  1. If you are a girl, you will lose your boobs. No seriously.  I didn’t have a lot to work with before the training.  And now I have negative.  I don’t know how I’m losing weight (ok, I do, I mean, I’m training 80-bagillion hours a week).  But I’m constantly eating.  And I tried on a strapless dress the other day and it literally slid off over my chest.  I was seriously ok with losing my social life (it wasn’t much to begin with).  But losing my boobs (which weren’t much to begin with either) is just going to far.  Dear Ironman: give. them. back.
  2. You will start using elevators.  Even if for just one floor.  I used to laugh at some of my coworkers who take the elevator in the court house to get from the first floor to the second floor.  Now, I think about doing it myself.   Because do you know how hard it is to climb a set of stairs?  When you legs are biking/running/swimming 15+hrs per week?  Yea.
  3. All of your free time will be spent sleeping or eating. My day: Wake up, eat, train, work (eat every 1.5 hours), eat, nap, train, eat, sleep.  I am always eating.  There is a person on my court team that is always smoking.  We always joke that when you can’t find that person that they are outside smoking.  Now, I’m that guy.  With my eating.  I’m in the attorney’s room eating in between every court break.  In fact, during my trial on Monday, midway through the first witness, I was already starving.  And I may or may not have passed a note to a coworker inquiring about lunch.
  4. Your friends will stop even asking you to come out. Because they know the answer.  Because if it’s a Friday or a Saturday you have to wake up at the crack of dawn to do long runs and rides the next day.  And if it’s a weekday, you inevitably have a second workout for the day.  And then you have to wake up pre-6am for training in the morning.
  5. Every three sentences out of your mouth will include the word “Ironman.” I used to constantly start sentences with “So, I just heard on NPR…”  Now, half of my sentences are about NPR.  About 40% are Ironman related.  And the other 10%?  Those sentences are unintelligible because I’m either half asleep or stuffing food in my face.  I’ve never felt so f-ing one dimensional in my life.

So I’ve gotten pretty used to consuming anywhere between 4000-6000 calories per day.  And my weight has stayed stable (though my body comp has shifted some with fat loss and muscle gain).  But, oh heavens, it’s going to be a rude awakening when I stop training…and have to go back to eating like a normal person.  I’ll miss my GINORMOUS piles of pasta and pints of ice cream.

I might miss them enough to sign up for another Ironman next year.

At least then, I’ll know what I’m in for.